The End of A Vicious Cycle

2 Oct

You care for someone, you devote all your time and affection without much expectations or complaints but still, they take you for granted. You ignore their mistakes, their insults their ignorance. This continues for a long time but at some point you feel tired and exhausted. You try to talk, expecting things to work out but after numerous efforts, you are left with no choice other than giving up. It takes a while to realize and accept the fact that you are just an “OPTION” for those who are your “PRIORITY”. You now know the fact that they’ll come and leave as per their will and for them your life is just a “Room on rent”. So you finally give up, without much drama or creating any scene, keeping the respect and dignity intact.

You go in complete hibernation, socially cut off, combating the withdrawal symptoms and trying to gain mental peace and stability. No one gives a fuck what you’re going through. In the meantime they move on, quickly make numerous new friends and enjoy their life. You still find yourself stuck at the same place. Time feels slow, everything’s still, as if this phase is never going to end. Every day it becomes more difficult to pass. Every night you find yourself surrounded by same thoughts which haunt you every second. You over-stress your body and mind to avoid those thoughts and memories. Workaholic insomniac psycho, that’s what you become by the passage of time. But it’s all about time, and the time passes. You quarantine all your thoughts memories and feelings related to them, somewhere deep within but still they do affect your daily functions very subtly.

After many months you think that you are able to function normally, at least others think so. You get your mental peace in your work and you forget the world with your hobbies and interests. Things slowly turn out to be normal again. But then again they return, this time apologizing for what they did asking you to come back. Your quarantined feelings again emerge as an instinct, urging you to rush back to them. But you know in your head that they will repeat the same story again. They’ll repeat it again because they’ve repeated it before. Your logic says that some people are never going to change and they are among them only. So to protect yourself from further embarrassment sorrows and insults, you walk away quietly. Infuriated, they blame you for not caring about them. They accuse you for hurting them and their feelings, the same people who never gave a shit about you when you were at the verge of collapse. They know that you cannot ignore someone who’s in need; it’s in your nature. And they try to exploit this nature only.

Some people have a habit of acting as a victim. Most often they are only the cause of all troubles but still they act as if they are the victim and they have suffered the most. It’s like Taliban and Al-Qaeda saying “We’ve lost many assets because of terrorist attacks.”
At last your logic overcomes you feelings, you quietly move on, this time locking away the past more strongly and deeply.

“When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died, you’re in ruins”

You hope that the vicious cycle has come to an end but you wonder, “Am I changed? Did I lose my original nature in the quest of my own peace of mind? Is it right?”

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